She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize