Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
