Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
