I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
