Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
