we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
