God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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