i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
