I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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