Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
