I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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