so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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