ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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