I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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