We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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