so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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