No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
