Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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