Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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