I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
