i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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