Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
