Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
