who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
