dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
sarcasm needs its own font
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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