I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She's the barista slut.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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