Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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