I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
