Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have fence marks all over my body
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
