Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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