Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
