he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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