my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
