is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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