she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
