So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
