Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
