I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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