Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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