wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
