if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
