he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
