drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
And then he peed in my hair
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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