I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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