phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
