My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
