Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
