I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
