I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
