Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
