I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
