Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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