Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
